America's Cup: Trump proclaims next America's Cup to be held at Mar-a-Lago
by Sail-World NZ 31 Mar 22:57 UTC
The next America's Cup will be sailed on the new Trump waterway © Sail World NZ
Palm Beach, FL — In a stunning announcement that has rocked both the sailing and political worlds, President Donald J. Trump has proclaimed that the next America’s Cup, the prestigious sailing competition dating back to 1851, will be held at his private club, Mar-a-Lago.
Trump's proclaimation follows the breaking news that the New Zealand Government has declined to fund the 38th America's Cup, instead putting the funds towards the purchase of two new Cook Strait rail ferries, announced yesterday by Deputy Prime minister Winston Peters.
Standing at a gold-plated podium in front of a backdrop featuring yachts, eagles, and several inexplicably shirtless sailors, Trump declared:
“People have been saying for years that Mar-a-Lago is the perfect place for elite water sports. Tremendous water. The best water. Some say it’s even wetter than the ocean!”
While critics pointed out that Mar-a-Lago, located on Florida’s Intracoastal Waterway, lacks the open sea space traditionally required for international yacht racing, Trump dismissed such concerns:
“We don’t need the ocean. We have beautiful lagoons, canals, the best. I know boats. I have the best people figuring it out. They say, ‘Sir, it’s not deep enough.’ Well, we’ll make it deeper. We’ll make it tremendous.”
According to Trump insiders, the plan includes dredging a new “Trump Waterway” from the Atlantic Ocean straight to the Mar-a-Lago swimming pool, which Trump described as “perfect for the high-speed foiling yachts — we just need to widen it a little.”
A mock-up of the proposed Start/Finish area was released in a Koi Pond near the 9th hole of the Trump International Golf Club.
While most sailing nations reacted with confusion and concern, Trump insisted international teams would flock to the event: “The Australians are coming. The British love it. Even the French said it’s très magnifique — I think that’s French for ‘very legal, very cool.’”
The Mar-a-Lago America’s Cup will reportedly include exclusive events such as the “Covfefe Regatta,” and the “Stormy Spinnaker Sprint.” VIP passes are rumored to come with lifetime memberships to the club and a coupon for one free Diet Coke.
Construction crews have already begun preliminary work, although one was overheard saying, “I thought I was here to build a new fountain. Now they want a yacht marina in the parking lot.”
President Trump also signed a Proclamation making Melania Trump the co-helm of the Womens America's Cup team to be sailed in the new Trump40. Barron Trump will co-helm the US team at the Youth America's Cup.